Thursday, August 15, 2013

weight loss blues

Sorry everyone, this isn't going to be a kawaii post so all you kawaii readers can ignore this post and wait for the next one.

Some of you may know that I've been trying to lose weight for...ever. Ok, not really forever, but ever since I gained a lot of weight, too much weight to go uncorrected. I gained about 20 pounds in 1 year and a half (or a year and 3/4. Whatever, the point is, I gained a lot of weight in less than 2 years). That's a lot of freakin' weight!

It all started when I started to kickbox about two summers ago. I was of normal weight but I was extremely happy with it and felt comfortable and confident with my body. As I got toned from the grueling and brutal classes, I started guessed it, eat more. 

My life after kickboxing

I felt it was totally justified since I had worked and sweated my ass off during kickboxing class so I was allowed to eat whatever the hell I wanted. Not only that, I would have a small supper before class and just pig out after class and then go to bed less than 2 hours later. Not only did I consume a lot of unnecessary calories but I hardly gave my stomach any time to digest. Hence, the weight started to pile but  it didn't show too much since I was gaining muscle mass and kickboxing neutralized some of the extra weight.

But when I stopped attending kickboxing regularly (due to school and and injury), my increased appetite and snacking continued. Obviously, the weight started to show since there wasn't anything canceling it out. And for some unfathomable reason, I just kept eating more and more.

I had gained about 15 pounds before my trip to Asia last year, which is still a lot. But once I arrived to Hong Kong and Japan, it was game over. Everything was delicious and holy hell, I was on vacation. Why would I diet when there's amazing food everywhere!? Plus, I was on vacation!

The vacation probably cost me 5 pounds in the weight department and for some inexplicable reason, I ate even more. I probably realized how much weight I've gained since last fall and have been trying to unsuccessfully trying to lose it (on and off) since then. Obviously, it hasn't worked.

My insecurity started to kick in around the 10 pound mark but not enough for me to really do something about it. It was on and off even after the 15 pound mark but meh, whatever. I've gained those 20 pounds for at least 6 months now and it's now to the point where I feel unattractive. I cringe at what I see in the mirror and me being "fat" is constantly on my mind and probably my biggest source of anxiety (I put fat in quotations since every one has a different concept of what fat is). 

I wish I can be as confident as Pooh (plus his name is Pooh, as in POO POO!)

Whatever clothes I'd wear, I'd feel fat and feel like I look like fat. I am extremely insecure and self conscious of my extra weight. Before I got fat, I had a lot of clothes that I'd wear and wouldn't even bat an eye. Now, even wearing a t-shirt makes me tug and pull to find the most flattering way I can wear it. A lot of my nice and cute clothes haven't even been worn this summer. To make matters even worse, a lot of my jeans don't fit anymore. 

Except I can't wear sweatpants to work.

I would try to put myself on a diet but whenever my mom made something good for supper (all the time), I would consider it my "fat day." But when my fat days by far outnumbered my normal days, and eventually became my every day, I gave up. I was also miserable when I would diet because I wouln't allow myself to have chocolates, ice cream and all the usual yummy but fatty foods, which I suddenly craved with all my being. My mom, who would see how miserable I was, would just tell me to forget the diet and have it. And I always would.

There was one time where I was able to keep my strict diet for about a week and a half. I felt amazing and empowered, I had lost 3 pounds (that's a huge ass deal for me). But I allowed myself a fat day and things fell apart from there.

I was struck with food poisoning about 3 weeks ago and had not eaten much in 3 days. I had lost 4 pounds but at the time, I was miserable because I had no energy and my stomach hurt like crrrrrrrrrrrazy. But when I recovered, I was ecstatic that I had lost so much weight in such a short period of time (gives you an idea of how messed up it is). I tried my best to keep the weight off and it worked...for a week. Last week was absolutely horrible, I ate out at lease 6 times during the week (friend from Vancouver came to visit, treated other visiting friends for supper, mom made plans with people). I'm now back to where I've started.

Now that you know my messed up relationship with food, I want your advice. I want to know what tips and tricks you've tried that has helped you lose weight. I hardly eat during the day when I'm at work (and I'm surprisingly not hungry) but I do eat a lot during supper (I can't help it but I'm starting to cut down now). I'll give you an idea of what my weekly food consumption is like.

Mondays to Fridays
Breakfast: Lately, it's been something small (past two weeks). Either a piece of toast (sometimes with a little bit of butter) or 5 crackers with some pâté

Lunch: Usually a sandwich (with cold cuts, cheese, lettuce and mayonnaise) or a small portion of leftovers from the night before (can be rice, some veggies and some meat, or noodles mixed with soy sauce).

Supper: Whatever my mom makes, usually rice with a meat dish (usually chicken) and a veggie dish. Can be noodles with some meat or an Italian pasta dish. I usually eat more than I should during supper.

Snacks: Once in a while, I'll have some fruits (mango, fig, orange, or nectarine at home) and/or some chocolates. It's not uncommon for me to have ice cream (usually the soft serve from McDonald's).

Breakfast: Depending on what time I wake up, if it's around 11 AM, I skip it and just have lunch. My weekend breakfasts can range from just an egg to two eggs, with bacon or bread with cheese and whatever I feel like eating.

Lunch: It's whatever I can find in the house.

Supper: Whatever my mom makes or Alex's mom makes.

My weekend eating habits are usually messed up. My family eats normally but Alex's family does not. They will have lunch at like 2-4 PM, after I've had a bit of a meal so I don't starve and that will be their lunch/supper. Or have supper at like 8 PM - 10 PM.

Please share your advice and what works for you. Also, please don't be afraid to be honest with me, but don't be rude. DO: Well, I think you're being a bit of a fat ass with all those fatty deliciousnesses that you're eating so stop eating them. DON'T: OMG U R LYKE SO STOOOPID AND FAT! U WILL ALWAYS B A FATSO FATTY! It's all in the way you present it.

Also, I've been good for two days (yay!).